I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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