Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
