Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
