Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
