i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
