there's paper in my vomit.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
