ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Still dying that you shit outside
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
