"it" just moved
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
