I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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