my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
