I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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