our cab driver is having phone sex.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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