I wish I could punch you in the face.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
