She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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