i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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