He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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