youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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