You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
