If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
now i know why i became what i already was.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
