It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
