I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
