if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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