It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
