is your mom at the bar?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
