Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
