yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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