I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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