I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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