Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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