You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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