Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
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I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
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he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper