Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
