I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
