No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
babies were throwing up all over the place
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
