I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
