Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
