Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
don't judge my taste in strippers
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Terrible idea I love it
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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