i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
