DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
