I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
