the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
