Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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