im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
