and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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