I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
