i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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