I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
