I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
