I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
