Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
