my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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