During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
