I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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