If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
