all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
