FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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