Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
The Olympian is in my bed
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
