He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
