4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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