I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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