I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
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I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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