i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
